Wednesday, December 15, 2010

2011? No idea

So I was finally going to reveal my 2011 schedule and plans, and I had big plans!  I was going to announce that I would not be "Triathlon Mom" for the year....... but "PREGNANT Triathlon Mom"!  That's right, I was going to have a baby in July so would enjoy a few sprint races and a few running events, and then enjoy the summer and get back to competition in the fall and 2012.  Instead, we found out at 10 weeks that we won't be having a baby after all, at our exciting 10 week visit Monday we found out I'm not having a baby, I'm having a miscarriage.  :(

So now,  I have no idea what is in store for 2011.  I don't know if we'll try again or not, if I'll race in 2011 or not, and it's killing me.  I love to have the next season planned, know what I have to look forward to and work toward.  I had a 2 year plan 3 days ago.  It's very motivating, now I have zero motivation.  I actually am not motivated to compete right now at all, can you believe that?  I'm sure it will come back eventually, but my whole world is turned upside down right now.  It's amazing how many plans and hopes and dreams can be made in 10 weeks.  It's so hard to have them all gone now.  I didn't bring it up on my family blog -which you're welcome to read, just don't stalk my kids  ;) - because I didn't want it misunderstood, but I would guess most of you could understand this side of it too.

This baby was timed out so well!  We don't normally have great control over when we get pregnant, but we were fortunate to have it happened when I wanted.  We'd have a baby in July, I'd be able to do a competitive Olympic tri in October, and then have a 5-6 month old when it was time to really start training hard.  Now I have no idea.  I'll stop beating around the bush and just say it.  I wanted to race Ironman St George in 2012.  Yes I understand my baby would have been under a year old, but I've been through this a few times now and I knew what I was getting myself in to.  But now everything's a mess.  I age up in 2013, so it's race it again in 2011 or 2012.  Sure I could do another race, but this one is most convenient for my family and I and our budget, and probably my best shot at qualifying.  But now I have no idea where to go from here.  If I didn't care about qualifying, I'd just do any race, whenever the time was most convenient, probably Vineman in California in August even though it isn't Ironman brand.  IF, huge IF we decided to try again and IF we got pregnant quickly, I'd be due anywhere from October to December 2011.  There is absolutely no way I can leave a 1-2 month old home with my husband for even 3 or 4 hours while I go off and train.  It's not fair to him and it's not fair to the baby and frankly I don't know that I'll be up to a 50 mile ride, 10 mile run 8-10 weeks postpartum.  I've done 5 mile races and sprint tri's at 5-7 weeks out, but that's about it.

 Ironman, triathlon, training, these are not my life.  I love them a lot and they make me and my life better, but my family does come first.  I'm just so sad this happened.  So mad and disappointed it happened.  I'm going from such a high to such a low.  So confused about where to go from here.  I had no intentions of racing IMSG in 2011.  I have no real base right now to build off of, we don't really have the money for the entry, and it was just wasn't in our plans.  I really wanted to watch this year and see how it plays out and be totally ramped up and excited and ready to go at it in 2012.  And I don't know that I can say we're done having kids, and if we're not done, I'd rather get on with it so they're not any farther apart.  Now I just don't know.  I hope my husband and I are able to figure things out quickly for my mental sake, and I hope I'm able to get some motivation to want to go out and do anything, swim, bike, or run.  Right now really sucks.  I'm all of the sudden not pregnant, can't be excited for the great spring and summer I was looking forward to getting my big pregnant belly out there and being active.  Please don't misunderstand all this talk about my own selfish timing for racing and such.  I am VERY much saddened and grieving over this loss, this baby.  This is just an outlet for me to talk about the less important but still important part of this loss for me.  Thanks for reading if you got this far.


Jarvis Family said...

Hey, I totally understand. But you know that by now, right? :-) I so understand. I would feel exactly the same way. I think I already said this.
What I don't understand is why you can't try to qualify in the next age group up? I doubt it would be that much harder. Really. Last year your age group at IM SG was one of the most competitive ones. Things change and the young ones are getting faster and faster and younger and younger. Believe me. That is where triathlon is heading. So if 2011 and 2012 don't work out, go for 2013. You have been getting stronger and stronger every year so far, so I bet you will just keep heading that way and qualify sooner than later. We have so much time. Really. Kona isn't going anywhere... :-)
Ok. I am done rambling. Hope you can work it all out soon!

jamieschip said...

Oh Leslie, that stinks. I was thinking about you the past couple months because I knew it was "that time" for you guys (since you had mentioned you would start trying soon.) So sorry about the miscarriage. And so sorry life isn't getting planned out how you want it to. If there is anything I do know, it's that there is a plan... we just aren't privy to it sometimes. I'm very much a planner and organizer and life has thrown me some big curveballs in the last year, some that definitely weren't planned. I try to take comfort in the fact that someone bigger and better than me is in control... as hard as that is, because I'm a control freak. ;) Big hugs from me to you.

Leslie said...

Well lets see Sarah, I can think of 1 very fast German girl who will be in the 30-34 age group when I will be. There goes 1 slot. :) I know Kona wil always be there, but it was my personal goal to do it again in my age group in 2012
Jamie - you certainly would know about changes in plans! I'm trying to keep those important things in perspective.

Beth said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Sara said...

Leslie, my heart is with you. I do know how hard it is to have the rug yanked out from under you when you try to plan things, and Heavenly Father's plan doesn't match yours. I understand your desires for your family and trying to make it all fit. I hope that you can have peace and guidance, that your blessings will shine so brightly as you work out a new plan.